I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

Dave 0

I’m so thankful for everything I have in my life. I’m thankful for the the experiences I’ve had, both good and bad.The bad experiences just make the good ones that much better. And I hope I’ve learned from the bad ones. I hope my laziness and selfishness don’t show through too often.

I feel like I’m embarking on another adventure. Losing a job should be cause me to be more stressed out, but I feel an odd relief. I feel like over the past year, I’ve become a drone. Go to work. Go home. Watch TV… or go see a movie… or work some more. I go see friends, but I’ve spent more time doing nothing than I have doing something. I haven’t felt creative or inspired or excited about much. I love working with the Bodie Foundation, but I still feel… unfulfilled. Like I’m looking for something.

As much as I’ve loved working at Microsoft through the years, and as much as I’d like to continue, there’s part of me that wants to go do something else. I just don’t know what that is. I just don’t think "this" is it.

Again, I’m so thankful for the blessings/gifts/opportunities I’ve been given in my life. I actually spend time thinking about the fact that I don’t have a life-threatening disease (that I know of), and I don’t have a drinking problem… or a drug habit. I think I’ve said all this before, but it’s a powerful emotion. Yet I think this is part of what makes me so frustrated. There are people who have done SO much more, with SO much less than I have. I have so much, but I’m not doing anything with "it".

As I’ve been looking for a new job, I think about what it means to have a "life". I’ve been thinking about the people in my life, and how they come and go. There are people who I feel extremely close to – yet I don’t keep in good contact with them. Then there are those who I’m very close to, and those who I’m good friends with, then those who I’ve been friends with… But I tend to just flit into their lives here and there. I pop in, say hi, then I’m off to something else. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe all of those connections are supposed to be short and sweet. At the same time, I feel like all of those people have their own lives, and they don’t really need a "Dave Tavres" too involved – they already have close friends and kids and parents and girlfriends and spouses…

Whatever it is I’m supposed to do, I wish I could figure it out sooner than later. Or that it would show itself to me. Or that I’ll recognize it when it does show itself to me.