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How to drive in Los Angeles…
- You must first learn to pronounce the city name: It is L A
- The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
- The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy."
- Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a 4-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
- If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
- Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
- Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
- Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
- Google Maps do not work here – none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they go. And all the freeway on and off ramps are moved each night.
- If someone has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it was turned on by mistake.
- If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55 or 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.
- Do not try to estimate travel time. Just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.